Today, I am reminded about the importance of showing up. Whether it is with family, friends, or colleagues we so often hinder our ability to build trusting relationships simply because we didn’t show up.

Now before we hastily assume we all agree on what showing up looks like, let’s talk about what showing up does NOT look like.

The Show up Statue: Showing up for others does not mean you simply attend. Making yourself a statue in a room does nothing for anyone, except remind them that you are supposed to be there but are opting out by not engaging in conversations or interactions. Maybe you attend a meeting but are on email the entire time or maybe you took your kids to the park and spent your fresh air staring at your phone. This blatant dismissal communicates you are too busy to be bothered by what is happening around you, therefore what is happening is insignificant.

Show up, show down: Showing up for others does not mean you barge in with agendas, demands, or controlling requests. Sometimes when my daughter is upset, I feel like I have to save the day. I quickly rattle off all the things I feel can take her pain or discomfort away. The truth is by failing to just actively listen and sit in her emotions alongside her I am not really showing up for her. Rather I am showing up for myself to validate that I can solver her problems and retain my “mom of the year” award. This can happen at work when a colleague reaches out for help or needs to problem solve. Showing up with preconceived answers and judgment, dismisses the human in front of me who may need support seeking out his or her own answers without being told what to do.

Not Understanding what you are Showing up for: Prior to showing up for people know how to read the room and ascertain what is expected of you. If people are calling on you to problem solve come prepared with ideas but listen first. If people are calling on you for emotional support come prepared to listen first. If people are calling on you to work alongside them to help them follow through on a plan come prepared to listen first. I think you see where I am going on this one. The best way to show up for people begins with active listening because the shittiest feeling is when you go to someone for support and they are dismissive, crack jokes, get distracted, or take over and tell you what to do or how to feel. That is not showing up, that is simply being annoying and adding to someone’s stress or heaviness.

Showing up for others is the key to being present in the world around us. It also means showing up for ourselves. It means bringing integrity to our words and actions in a way that is humble and compassionate. The next time you are in a conversation with family, joining a meeting at work, or spending time with loved ones ask yourself: Am I truly showing up? Am I here? Or is my mind pondering over past moments, worried over what is to come, or resting in distraction. Fight the need to wander, the anxiety to flee, or the dismissive approach you can have when dealing with others. Take it upon yourself to show the hell up. Show up because there is always going to be a moment where you need someone to show up for you. Show up because the only way to spread light is to be close enough to create the spark.  Or if you need a more convincing reason… Show up because it is the right thing to do.