I have a phrase in my home and with my students; my love is not earned. They already have it. There is nothing they have to do to gain it and nothing they can do that would eliminate it.

Recently, my teenage son and I got into a spat where we went toe to toe. This morning, on our walk, I asked him what I should write about today. He replied, “You should write about when parents and kids fight.” I smiled and took the bait. So, without further ado, here it goes.

Growing up, I was always worried about the conditions of love. What if I mess up so badly my parents will no longer love me or be proud of me? What if I mess up so badly I burn in hell (thank you, Catholic Church)? I even carried it into my marriage. What if I stink as a partner and lose the love I cherish above all?

What if’s can be a spiral of self-degradation, shame, and insecurity. I decided I wanted to rebrand the way kids look at relationships. I work with students who are greatly impacted by trauma. All they know are conditions. In order to protect themselves, they will sabotage relationships to verify their belief that they do not deserve love. That is why it is critical I say “I love you” every day and assure them that my love is not earned; they already have it.

At first glance, you may feel this approach is a ticket for kids to treat me any way they see fit. You may picture that it is a recipe for an adult becoming a doormat and a kid thinking, “Well, if I can do whatever I want and she won’t turn on me, then challenge accepted.”

However, the key is to help kids understand that two things can exist at the same time. Yes, there is nothing you can do to lose my love. But… Does that mean you can’t piss me off? No. Does that mean you can’t disappoint me? No. Does that mean you can’t lose my trust? No. I can love you and be disappointed in your decisions. I can love you and be angered by your choices.

This seems so easy for my adult mind to process, but kids do not have the life experiences and maturity to absorb this as easily. So often I hear people say that love is something that should just be understood or inferred. However, kids need to HEAR it out loud and consistently. This is how they develop trust in you so they can have the freedom to fail and learn to trust themselves.

The more a child trusts that your love is not the currency of their actions, the more honest they are willing to be when admitting to their poor decisions. When kids cannot accept they are wrong, it is clear they are placing their whole self-worth on being right instead of growing. So be a model for kids by making amends for your role in a conflict or dispute, but hold them accountable for their own self-reflection. You can be sorry, but do you know the actions and thoughts that you need to reshape so that events like this do not occur again?

My son and I walked for about an hour today. Halfway through, he stopped me and gave me a big bear hug. “This is a good walk, Mom.” It was good because we both could be wrong and we both could be right, but we both left feeling loved, accepted, and heard. Reminding kids of my unconditional love takes the worry off of the relationship and puts the focus on their ability to reflect on making better choices and having healthier perspectives.

You will have to earn my respect. You will have to earn my trust. But you will NEVER have to earn my love. That comes free of charge, unconditionally.