The easiest emotion to handle is anger. It is a human response that is primal and can occur in seconds. It can pass quickly or linger for days, months, or years. It can be quiet and avoidant, or it can be loud and destructive. There is not a human on this planet who cannot identify with how it feels to be lit up with anger. But before we let our minds spiral and our fists fly, consider the other sides of anger that we rarely think about.

It provides us a sense of control. It moves us towards actions that make us feel we have control over gaining an outcome we feel is right or deserved. Whether we give someone the silent treatment for a week or yell at them for an hour, we are engaging in an act of punishment, and we expect results. I was talking with a student just last week about his response to being corrected by a teacher. He truthfully stated, “I just got mad at him and I ripped up the paper because I’m not doing it anymore.” I listened and simply asked, “Do you usually rip things up when you get mad?” He nodded yes. “How is that working for you?” I quietly followed up. He put his eyes on the floor and said, “Not well. It usually just makes me feel worse.” If we are all honest with ourselves, lashing out in anger usually ends up punishing us far more than the person we intended to feel our wrath.

We mistake our anger for strength. Our indignation causes us to lash out in ways that often get conflated with strength as we try to gain power over others. We yell louder, we ignore longer, our threats have greater consequences; we push people to bend to our will. Essentially, the adrenaline produced by anger deprives our brain of blood (there goes our rational thinking) and quickens our heart while strengthening our limbs for the fight we need to win. Simply put, anger makes you stupid, and without your wits, strength is merely an illusion.

Anger is a form of armor. Anger is armor that protects us and victimizes us simultaneously. It feeds this idea that we were wounded by others, therefore morally free to treat them as we see fit. As the victim, we can hide behind our reasons and protect ourselves from any judgment that may come from the role we played in the conflict. If I am the wounded one, then there is no reason to focus on what I said or did. It is a means of evading accountability for our actions, keeping us safe and sound.

Anger protects us from hurting. I like to think that anger is the symptom of something far more important: hurt. We can label that hurt as disappointment, rejection, resentment, or betrayal. Any way you want to view what made you feel disempowered, anger is merely the solution you are attempting to use to make the pain go away. Initially, it may work, but beware that it is only a temporary Band-Aid for a wound in need of stitches. Living with anger is away of avoiding the real work of healing. Even if it is better for people to part ways and relationships to end, we need to grieve and process through it, rather than building grudges and throwing blame, for it to truly leave us with peace.

Anger is not bad; it is simply a signal that alerts us that there is something we feel we should do. It is like an alarm system for our values that starts blaring with flashing lights when triggered. Our goal is not to avoid anger but rather to use it to set meaningful limits that are in alignment with what we need and care about. If we have to violate our morals to right a wrong, we have simply sacrificed our peace for an outcome that is no longer worth the cost.