Trauma is real. Burnout is real. Dealing with overwhelming suffering is real. That being said, we all carry our cross differently.  When dealing with people we find to be dismissive, rude, or even mean our frustrations may boil over or our judgement override our humanity. We need to pause and remember at the core of life we are all human with shit weighing us down. 

Maybe you can relate to some of these profiles I find in people dealing with difficulties in life. Maybe you can also relate to these approaches you can attempt to employ to be a more empathic and supportive friend, colleague, neighbor, or family member.

Fake it till you make it people: These are the people that put on a smile and push that discomfort deep down in their belly. They put on their lipstick and detour around every conversation or event that may scrape at the scab of what is bothering them.

Many who care about this individual have no idea they are struggling. In fact, upon reflection, we may find that we don’t know much about this person at all.  Sometimes with people like this we can fall into the trap of thinking and talking about ourselves, so we forget to even think about what this person may be enduring outside of our time together.  Don’t forget to be curious with all people.  Ask them about their interests, family, or what they care about.  Give them wait time and patience.  Consistent opportunities of showing interest and care in someone builds trust.  This will help increase the odds that they can confide in you, giving you the opportunity to help bear a little weight of the cross they are carrying.

Where is Waldo: Fight or flight is science, and these friends are our flight peeps. They run away and hide from others. They often do not want to talk or interact with others who may bring out feelings they are unwilling to accept or process.

Most of us grant the wish of space and go with the “out of sight, out of mind” approach with this individual.  This approach for some will only validate their preconceived belief that no one cares about them. For us it is easy not to feel compelled to help someone we do not consistently interact with.  However, just as we tell children to make sure everyone is include we should look around to make sure everyone feels seen and heard. We can support people with this profile by doing brief and yet meaningful check ins.  We can learn about what they are interested in and like so we can offer thoughtful tokens of appreciation or care.  The bottom line is consistent demonstrations of care in the smallest ways can make a big different. Warning: Do not expect big reactions. In fact, do not do thoughtful deeds expecting any reaction in return.  Do thoughtful deeds because you want to remind someone that they matter.

Mohammad Ali: We talked about our friends that run, but we all know someone who is up for a good fight. These are the people who have no problem festering in anger, and even hostility, with anyone who gets in the way. People in their lives become punching bags to release the intense emotion they feel inside. These people or events, almost always, have nothing to do with the real source of the problem.

Depending on our relationship with this person, we either avoid them, kiss their ass and dance around the glass, or take the bait and engage in battle. The greatest thing we can do for people like this is to first provide them grace.  Try to dismiss his or her initial responses to stressful events and give them time to process. We also need to make sure we do not take things personally as much or all of the emotion has little to do with us. Allow them a nonjudgmental space to calmly talk to you about their thoughts or feelings.  Most times, active listening with a tablespoon of compassion can go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship.  Jumping to conclusions about someone’s intentions or character says more about you than it does about them.  Dig deeper, learn more, and lean into love.

Find the cheese because here comes the wine (aka whine): This may seem insensitive, but some like to carry their burdens like a flashing billboard that says “anyone who sees this I have a story to tell you.” They are also the people that seem to always have a devastating problem they want to fill you in on. In fact, over years of knowing them you have never known a time that they have not had something that was wreaking havoc in their life.

Most people avoid these individuals after the first few (or dozen) times they thought they were engaging in a brief compassionate conversation. Once a pattern is established and people see this individual coming, they usually run for the hills. However, this is a pattern of seeking love. We can still provide empathy and active listening, but it is also okay to set limits such as trying to have more scheduled times to chat instead of open-ended opportunities. It may also help to offer noncontingent attention on positive topics.  Try asking questions about what this person enjoys, loves, and cares about.  Steering the conversation out of doomsday land is a beginning to providing positive influence over their inability to focus on positive happening in their lives.

The point of this post is not to pigeonhole people intro a right or wrong approach to handling their stress or grief, rather it is a reminder that we are all human and need something different. You are surrounded by a variety of people all day who are carrying around the weight of the world, while trying to keep it all together. Don’t assume your struggles are the only struggles, nor should you assume that people are “bad” people when they seem distant, dismissive, or short tempered. We all have shit. So, get curious and lend an ear or a hand. Give love because in the end, even though we may not want to admit it, it is what we all need.